


...and who are you?

by Miracline



Category: Rammstein
Genre: F/M, Loss of Virginity, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-21 04:56:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9532409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miracline/pseuds/Miracline
Summary: You wake up but can´t remember anything. Guy called Richard has eyes on you but is it love or something way more different?





	1. Waking up

_He grabbed my shoulders violently and tried to kiss me. As much as I wanted him, he was too drunk. I pushed him away and shook my head. My tears mixed with the rain. He was suppose to be my hero, my idol. But he was drunk. He was drunk and violent and, and..... He was on me again._

It hurts. Thumping pain back of my head wakes me up violently. I open my eyes confused. All is a bit vague but I can recognize a hotel room. White walls without paintings, television, one plain table in the corner. Cool air makes me shiver as I look the window on my right side. It has black curtains, so no light comes in. Luckily I can still see where I am going. My head spins as I stand up and take a step towards small hallway. There are two doors; one is probably the bathroom and one leads out. Since I feel like throwing up, I walk in the bathroom. I turn around and try to find the switch but my stomach cramps and I fall on my knees. All that I have eaten yesterday comes out. Room spins and cold sweat is starting to tickle my back. 

After few minutes floor and walls are back where they should be and I stand up again. Tap´s cold metal feels like spikes when I lift it up. Water starts running and I wash my mouth. When I am done, I lift my gaze and see a mirror straight front of me. I look awful. My long black hair is a mess. It has tangled with the half-open bandage around my head. I can see some dried blood on my forehead and on my hair.  _Oh god, what has happened?_ I have never been this confused. Carefully, I past the green mess I´ve made and walk to the other door. The handle creaks under my hand. I wish that no one have heard it and step in the hallway. I shut the door quietly and look around. There are seven doors. Six of them are by the hallway and one is in the end of the hallway. It has the green exit sign on top of it.

In the other end of the hallway there is no door. I can see light coming from there. Footsteps echo in the air.  _Think!_ I command myself and begin to walk unsteadily. The green sign almost smiles at me: freedom lies here.

-Sarah? Voice makes me turn around. A man wearing white top and black jeans looks at me confused. He is fixing his black short hair as he speaks: -Are you okay? Shouldn´t you be in bed? He walks towards me and starts smiling. Adrenaline rushes through my veins and I hurry the last steps to the door. 

-Sarah! He yells and grabs me from behind. I must be slow; he can´t be that fast. 

-Let me go! I scream and turn around facing him. He has the most dangerous looking eyes I have ever seen. Sharp green irises and black eyeliner. He holds my shoulders firmly so I can´t escape. We stare each other in silence.

-Where were you going? he asks and tightens up his grip hugging me gently. I push him back immediately. He is standing between me and door and now there is only one way to go.

-Sarah, stop! For fuck´s sake, what is wrong with you? I run in the opposite direction. The light comes closer and closer....

It is a kitchen. Kitchen and a living room. On a black couch, there are two more men. One has long black hair and the other one reads a book. They both raise their gazes at the same time.

-Was....? the bookman asks, but can´t finish his sentence because the hugger interrupts him.

-Ich weiss nicht was-- he looks me in disbelief like he would look a monster.  Maybe I am. Bookman stands up but doesn´t walk closer.

-Does it hurt? he asks gently. I am hyperventilating and scared and my fright can probably be seen. I decide to be brave.

-Who are you? Words fly out like knife. I am angry, even in pain. The bookman laughs. 

-Having a hangover? Want some coffee? he raises his eyebrows and smirks. I open my mouth to say something, but the long haired man stands up too.

-Are you kidding us? 

-N-no, I mumble. My throat hurts; I start to cry behind my calm mask. -I don´t know you! Tears run down my face. I can taste the salt and feel my heartbeats back of my head. Instinctively I put my hands on the wound. At least I  _think_ that there is a wound because it hurts. All three men are staring me.

-What´s your name? asks long haired man. I can hear seriousness in his words. Ice is creeping up my spain as I answer:

-I...I don´t know... my voice fades as I turn my face away. How can you not remember your name?

-You can call me Doom, he smiles. I wince and he realizes his mistake. -It is my nickname, I didn´t mean it that way.... 

-Could not have gone better, Schneider, man says behind me. -And please, don´t run anymore. We are friends. He puts his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. -We will get you fixed up, okay? Suddenly he lifts me on his arms, like a princess. -I´m Richard. And you are Sarah, he smirks. 

-Sarah...., I mumble and close my eyes. It still hurts.

 


	2. Different answers

Richard is warm. Warm and strong it seems. He smells like hazelnuts what makes his goth eyeliner appearance a little bit contradictory. I´m still a bit a shocked, and won´t even consider trusting this guy, but I let him carry me back to where I came from. As we get to the door, I drop myself down. He looks me like I should not have done that and opens the door with one hand and keeps his other wrapped around my waist. Awful smell comes from the room, making me blush. -I...threw up, I say quietly and stare the floor under my feet. The hallway has black fitted carpet and I dig my toes into it. Richard chuckles a bit and shouts:

-Hey, Mister Doom, may I use your room? He takes me by the hand and leads me to another door. "Doom" catches us up binding his hair at the same time. Confusion shines from his eyes but he doesn´t either care or dare to ask.

-Yeah, sure, let me get my stuff out of the way first. Richard steps back and lets him go first. We follow a moment later. The room is same as Richard´s expect that there are clothes everywhere. Shirts, jeans, even one pink strings on the parquet. Richard nods towards the bed.

-Sit down and we will check your head. Schneider cleans the bed by throwing all the clothes on the floor, sits down and smirks. He pats the mattress, encouraging me. I bite my lip and stare him. No way. But Richard´s hand is gently pushing me leaving no options. I sit next to Doom and cross my arms. Richard sits on my left side and so I am locked between them. Tension can almost be touched. 

-I will take the bandage off now, okay? Chris will get some painkillers and then you can take a shower if the wound is not bad, he says softly leaning on my shoulder. Schneider looks at me in compassion and touches lightly me cheek as he leaves. Richard climbs behind me, on his knees, and starts unwrapping the white cloth. 

-Say if it hurts, okay? he almost holds his breath and removes the cotton pad on the sore spot. Seconds past by.

-Well? I´m holding my breath too. 

-It´s not bad as it was yesterday. Only the skin has damaged. I don´t think that you actually lost that much blood that it seemed. I shiver. 

-How...how I got it? I ask and begin to shake. Richard is silent a few seconds. Then he replies slowly:

-You fell down the stairs.

Doom comes finally back and gives me a glass of water and some pills. He hands them over me but I don´t take them.  

-I don´t trust you. 

-Why? he asks with puppy eyes. Richard jumps on the floor and starts to rummage the closets. Chris puts the medicine on the nightstand and offers me the glass. -Please, let us take care of you. Your memory will be back soon, I promise.

-Shouldn´t you take me to hospital? My voice chatters and I press my temples. Richard comes back with a towel. 

-There is no need to. It is not a fracture or anything severe. 

-But--

-Trust me, he says with a firm voice. -There is no need to. Schneider takes the towel from Richard and puts the glass on the nightstand too.

-I can continue from here, he looks Richard straight into his eyes. Richard opens his mouth but no words come out so he decides to just mumble something in some foreign language that I don´t know and leaves. Schneider´s curtains are open and I look behind my back and see other buildings outside the window. 

-Where are we? I wonder and pull my legs on the bed too. I lay down slowly and the smell of hair spray tickles my nose-it comes from his pillow. I can hear water running and Schneider walks out from the bathroom. He takes the hair band off and shakes his hair open. They are curly and make him look so innocent. 

-We are in New York. He points over shoulder: -Oh, and bath is ready in few minutes. He looks the pills on the table and puckers his brows.     -You should really take them. 

-What happened to me? Schneider looks at me surprisingly confused. Wasn´t the question to be expected? He spins the white pill between his fingers as he speaks carefully: -You slipped outside.

-What? I wince remembering Richard´s answer. Schneider lifts his gaze and pierces me with it.

-What do you mean by that? he asks with an icy voice. I follow him with my eyes when he goes to check the bathtub. I grab the pills from the table and stuff them between the mattresses. One single drop of sweat runs over my face when I reach out the water and drink it all as fast as I can. 

-Really? You think that I will believe that? Doom leans on the wall just outside the bathroom. -Where are they? I swallow and sit up. 

-I took them, I promise, I mutter and cross my arms since it is so cold. Schneider rubs the bridge of his nose and looks at me hopelessly.

-What do I have to do so you would trust me? I don´t say a word; not yet. I have a vantage, I know that they lie, and won´t give up on that. Schneider lets out a sigh and nods towards the bathroom. -Well, I will give you a new set for the night but you should get washed now when the water is warm. I stand up scratch the wound. It doesn´t hurt; the only pain is inside my head. I walk past him and take a deep breath. Soft steam caresses my face. There is even foam in the bathtub. Just perfect.

Suddenly I feel the dizzy seizure coming up and I loose my already unstable balance. Chris catches me and stares me straight in the eyes. Quickly he lets go, like I would be hot as coal and gives me the towel.

-You okay? I will wait outside....to make sure that you won´t hurt yourself. So don´t lock the door, okay?

-Okay, I promise and scratch my arm shyly. Did he just make me blush?  He walks backwards looking nervous. -I will be fine, I smile and grab the handle. The door shuts with a knock and I turn around. Thought of a warm bath makes me certainly happy.

Then I turn around again and lock the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it better? I still don´t feel that my English would flow as smoothly as I would want it to...


	3. Guitar

_Smiling kid sitting on a wooden fence. Sisters playing in the grass. Cheesecake and grandma. Black coffin and a picture of a young woman. Pink handbag that was a gift from boyfriend. Guitar. Stupid photos with friends. Voices."Sarah? Sarah Harrell? Are you sleeping middle of the lecture?" Guitar again. More voices. "Music can´t be a career!" Alcohol. A man. Richard._

-You promised to not lock the door, Schneider mumbles. He is laying on the bed, eyes closed. Water does a puddle under my feet and I shiver. Even the big towel wrapped around me is fluffy, it can´t keep me warm. Confused by the situation, I decide to wait. Schneider looks so calm. What would his hair feel like? Sudden thought makes my cheeks hot. -Fine, I´ll give you some clothes, you wouldn´t probably remember to ask anyway, he teases me and sits up. He looks me with interest, those blue eyes digging a way into my heart. Then the moment has gone and he drops on his knees and pulls a suitcase under the bed. 

-Are you guys done? Richard´s voice surprises me. He has sneaked behind me and now his breath warms my cold skin.

-Yeah...would you have some spare clothes? Schneider asks with a slight disappointment in his voice. 

-Maybe..., Richard says stretching his answer in a way someone would call "sexy". His pulls my hair from the way with his right hand and touches my neck with his nose. Then with lips. He whispers something and I can feel the air coming out with his words. I breath heavily and shut my eyes. I try to stay calm and take this all as a joke but then I feel something a bit....furry? _His tongue!_ _And not just the tip but whole-_ The lick is slow and so suggestive that nothing is unclear anymore. I turn around so fast that I almost drop my towel. Richard smiles and licks his teeth. 

-You can take these. Doom hands me a pile of clothes, probably his. -I couldn´t find any bra, though.  _Oh, I thouht that the strings´owner would have left her bra too,_ I think but scare too much to say it aloud. Schneider literally pushes Richard from the room and chuckles while "fighting" with him. They speak that weird language again -German I suppose - and last thing I hear before the door shuts is Richard´s voice: -When you are ready, come in the kitchen, okay?

* * *

_I´m so glad this t-shirt is loose,_ I think and look myself from bathroom´s mirror. There are three men out there and I have no bra. I would even wear the bloody one but all my clothes are soaking wet because I left them on the floor when bathing.  _Fuck._ Black jeans are ripped and they go well with my long black hair, which is a real mess. I take a deep breath and leave.

-Aber, liebe Richard, das ist ein Problem. I recognize bookman´s voice. My heart stops me middle of the hallway.  _What kind of of problem does he have, I wonder?_

-Bitte, Till...du musst mitspielen! Richard sounds almost like he is praying something. I studied German few years but I´m too tired to focus enough. Why even bother to try eavesdrop if you can´t understand? I bite my lower lip and step inside the kitchen/living room whatever it is. Bookman sits on a bar chair, a leather jacket still on his shoulders. Richard leans on his elbows, opposite the bookman. Schneider is laying on the sofa with guy who has almost the same hair as he but blond. Richard breaks the silence first.

-My, my, you look very...natural, he laughs and walks towards me. -That´s Till, he says pointing the bookman, -and there´s Flake. Blond guy waves shyly. -They are my friends. The fact-, Richard steps behind me and puts his hands on my neck like he would struggle me, -that you aren´t wearing any bra, doesn´t disturb them, so don´t worry about it. He walks back to the bar table, leaving me red as a tomato. Till laughs spontaneously, making me blush me even more. 

-Do you feel any better? he speaks softly and starts searching something from the fridge behind him. He has the most beautiful voice I´ve ever heard. So smooth, so low. He turns to look at me.

-Umm, yes, I stutter. Doom stands up and clears his throat before asking do I want to eat something. I am replying that everything would be fine but then I remember something. 

-Do I have a phone? I ask and get confused even by myself. Richard stops drumming his nails against the granite table and nods.

-Yes, you do.

-Can I...like have it? I scratch my neck embarrassed.

-It is broken. Richard replies with a cold voice and starts drumming the table again.

-How about a pink handbag? Do...did I have it when I came here? The bath calmed my nerves and random pictures keep popping up. Schneider jumps up and  hurries to answer before Richard:

-I have it! Richard glares Schneider over his back in a silence. They both look serious. Till has found some wine and hamburgers and has piled them all on the table. He rubs his chin and mumbles something about rubbish food.

-Maybe I should order something ? he suggest and picks up a phone from his pocket. Richard nods and answers in German. Flake wants to order something too and shouts more German through the room. I have to put up something in English since I can´t speak this rough-sounding language.  Till stands up and looks at Schneider who is still standing middle of the room, startled. 

-I´m fine with anything, he mumbles. Till walks out from the room and pats Richard's back quickly when passing him. Flake laughs nervously and stands up:

-I´m afraid that I will have to leave you now..., he mumbles his apologies and rushes to the hallway.

-Can you play guitar? Richard asks and opens the wine bottle. He is either too lazy or too stressed to find a glass and takes a big gulp straight from the bottle.

-I guess so, I reply. Richards eyes light up and he jumps up. He grabs me in a hug.

-I knew it! he laughs happily and starts to pull me towards the hallway. Schneider finally wakes up from his trance and stops Richard by running in front of him. 

-Where on Earth are you taking her? he shouts. -She´s injured!

-I must know can she still play as well as she played before! Richard says with enthusiastic voice. -I have to. I pull my hand from his grip and shake my head.

-I´m not going anywhere. Not with you. Doom steps between me and Richard.

-Bring the guitar here if you have to. But let her rest. Richard opens his mouth but doesn´t say a word. His angry footsteps echo in the hallway as he leaves. 

 


	4. The Truth

_Richard hasn´t come back. But why? Did I disappoint him? But why do I care? We are not dating_  ... _are we?_ Sun has come down hours ago (I didn´t know the clock anyway but suppose that it was past noon when I woke up)  but I sit in the same position where Schneider helped me earlier after Richard left. He brought me food at some point but I haven´t touched it yet. Pictures, songs, memories keep popping up and I can´t think anything else right now than my own life. Pain has disappeared and all is left is coldness. 

-Sarah..., Schneider stands front of me. I blink my eyes confused and realize that I´m on his bed. Maybe he is sleepy or something like that and wants to get rid of me.  _Stupid me!_ I stand up in a clumsy way and almost fall over. Doom catches me smoothly and puts me back on the bed. My head is foggy but I can see him fighting with himself. His fingers cramp slightly like he would want to touch something. -Have you eaten anything at all? He looks at the Japanese food that he brought but the package is untouched. -Sarah...I am worried about you...

-Why? I ask bluntly staring at the wall opposite me. 

-We are friends...you are important to me,  he replies carefully and sits next to me. Gently, he wraps his arms around me and starts playing with my hair.

-Aren't you my boyfriend? I feel sleepy, dizzy, exhausted, even I haven't done anything. In this darkness his soft touch feels so good.

-No, I´m not, he replies slowly and pulls his hand away as he would have done something wrong. He notices my weird appearance and turns my head. His fingers have a good grip from my chin and he lifts my head just a bit. I want to sink in his eyes, sink and drown and die.

-Why so silent? Those sad eyes are looking straight to my soul. But I can't aswer: regaining memories is awful, like watching a very, very long movie. He doesn´t want to let go, I can see it. Seconds are ticking but I am too tired to care. Doom bites his lower lip like he would be in pain.

-Is Richard my boyfriend? I take a deep breath and he suddenly pulls himself back. 

-No! he seems like he would have got a shock. -You are single, he mumbles. Situation is starting to be awkward and he stands up. 

-Don´t go, I whisper. Schneider glances at me, confused. He sits back next to me and begins to hum something. I hum it too. Schneider stops but continues then and smiles at me. Softly, his humming becomes singing. I sing it too.  _Ich weiss nicht wo du bist, doch ich weiss das es dich gibt--_

 _-_ _Ich weiss dass irgendwann, irgend wer mich liebt,_ Schneider´s voice is full of emotion.  -Tell me what´s wrong, he almost begs me. -Something is really bothering you, I can see it.

-Tell me the truth. I didn´t fall down the stairs, did I? It is Richard´s fault, I´m sure about it. These pictures are driving me insane. They don´t match up what you have told. The request floats in the air. I breath heavily and tears start flowing down my face. Doom takes my hands between his and opens his mouth. Then closes it. Then opens again.

-Actually, you did, he lets out a small, nervous laugh. -We met last week. You were a...friend. A friend who played guitar and drums like a goddess. So...umm...yesterday we were at the party, six of us and you. Eventually, Richard wanted you to teach him and you were... -he has a weird little pause -...more than happy to accept the request. Then he wanted to celebrate that, so he was probably quite drunk as alwyas, and you two went out and you had some kind of argument, I guess. It was raining, the land was slippery: you tried to leave and when you turned around, Richard tried to grab you... You stepped on the stairs and he grabbed you from behind or something like that. Anyway, you were laying on your face on the ground when I arrived. Richard insisted calling the ambulance so we brought you here, he finishes and bites his lip again.

-You didn´t see the situation?

-No, Doom replies.

-So how can you be sure that he didn't just beat me up? I get angry and raise my voice a bit.

-Richard is not that type, I know it. I have known him so long that I can be sure. We both fall silent and I stare our hands. He is warm, warm and...safe. Like I would remember him at anytime and all the fun stuff that we had done together.

-And the only reason you all me is that I play something better than you? I change the subject. I pull my hands from his grip and start to wait the pictures again. They will come any minute and I will have to catch them all. 

-No! he answers almost crying now. -I...We...We...We shared some thoughts when we met and it was magical. _You_ were. I don´t write music or poems, I don´t have that ability. You said you don´t have it either. So we talked a whole night and played together. You really knew how I felt. You were my shoulder to cry on. And now you are broken or something and I don´t know how to help you!  _Why me?_

 _-_ I want to go home. I feel like I would be trapped with them. Schneider looks away.

-I don´t know where you live...but you can stay here. It is late after all. Something in his voice changes. It makes me uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. Like he would actually want to keep me here. He listens to my soft cries in silence. -Would you like to have room of your own or do you prefer sleeping with someone? I chuckle between my sobs to his question at first but the I realize that he really means it. I am about to answer when the door flies open.

-Sarah, my Sarah, I have missed you so much! Richard comes into the room like a storm and kneels front of me. -I´m so sorry about earlier. I should have thought about you more. Can you forgive me? Richard´s puppy eyes stun me and I don´t know what to answer. Schneider lets out a disappointed sigh but I can´t hear it. -Have you cried? Doom, what have you done? Richard pulls me up and lifts me up so that he could carry me in bride style again. Schneider huffs again, this time he sounds a bit angry. I try to get down or even get an eyecontact with Schneider.  _-_ _Verlierer_ , Richard whispers with a low voice and turns around. We leave Schneider alone even though he didn´t leave me. But Richard carries me determinedly in his room which has been cleaned. Clean bed sheets smell good and I take a deep breath. He drops me softly on the bed and sits next to me. Then I spot it. There is an electric guitar next to an amplifier in the corner of the room. 

-Why..why do you have my guitar? I blink several times and try to see better but it is. It is my guitar. 

-Yours? It´s mine, Richard claims and walks to it. He touches gently the guitar´s neck and plays the strings. Then he gives me a slightly arrogant look. -Do you like it?

-Yes, because it is mine! I shout and jump up. -I bought it from ESP store two years ago! It is RZK signature edition and it costed way too much but I had to get it...! I run out of breath. Richard smiles quietly and picks up the guitar. He plays some riffs and I try to remember. I try to remember who the hell this guy is. Why does he have my guitar and why does he look so familiar?

-Have you eaten anything today? You look pale, Richard continues playing but looks me at me between riffs. I breath heavily. 

-No, no it can´t be...

-What? he asks and stops playing. I feel my heart racing. The fog disappears piece by piece and suddenly I recall a name. Kruspe. Richard Kruspe. A world-famous guitarist. My hands are shaking, I cannot take anymore of this or I´ll go nuts. Richard notices the change in me. He puts down the guitar, slowly, keeping his eyes on me the whole time. Then he raises his hands palms towards me and lowers himself. He takes a really careful step as I would be a predator and attack him anytime. Maybe he sees my thoughts through my eyes. Now I have two choices. I can let him know that I know or I will play dumb. I can´t trust this man so I force a small smile on my face. 

-Is everything okay? I ask quietly, trying to remain calm. Richard takes few more steps, reaches me and grabs on my shoulders. 

-Did you remember something? You look a bit shocked. This time he is the one who is scared.  _He must be scared that I will remember everything and report to police!_ I am quite sure about my conclusion so I keep playing on. 

-Nothing, you were just right about the food. I haven't eaten anything while I was waiting you to come back so I am feeling weak. I can the tension leve from Richard's body and he smirks.

-Then let's something to eat, he replies happily. -Maybe you would feel youself better then and play something for me?

-Sounds good, I lie and turn around. He hugs me from behind and whispers softly:-I knew that you would be my saving angel. A cold shiver goes down my spine,he isn't playing fair, I can sense it. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Few things about me (and my first fanfic): I am usually anything-is-possible type person, so you can expect almost anything from this story. My native language is not English so please notify me if you see any mistakes, it will help me with my grammar >.< Also, I like to write super "freely" so the characters may not always act like they would in real life. (Do characters ever act like in real life in fanfictions anyway? XD)


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